Window to Your Mind
by theotherbella
Summary: New Moon: Bella jumps and Edward saves her; but what if everything isn't as it seems?
1. Prologue

_A/N: Hey guys!! So this is just a teaser for what could possibly turn into my next story… reviews rock my socks!!_

_=]_

Prologue

The first thing I was aware of was the burning in the back of my throat. It felt like someone had `taken a pound of steel wool and pulled it up and down my esophagus. Then I heard the buzz of equipment, and the steady beat of a heart monitor.

My heart beat.

I was alive.

Ugh, I'd rather be dead.

"Bella? Bella, honey, are you awake?"

"M-mom?"

My eyes opened carefully, and I saw my mother, Renee sitting in the chair next to my bed, her eyes welling up with tears.

"Oh, baby. I'm so glad you're awake."

I nodded lightly, and then noticed the cup on the bedside table. She must have seen my eyes because she quickly picked it up and held it for me. I practically downed the whole thing.

"Easy, sweetheart. You don't want to get sick."

"What happened, Mom? Where's dad?"

"He just went to get some food, baby. He'll be back in a minute."

She smoothed back my hair, watching me like I was going to disappear. I was about to ask what happened again, when a tall, handsome doctor walked in.

"Ah, I see you've woken up, Isabella. Very good. You were out for quite a while but it's nice to see those eyes I've been hearing so much about." He winked at me and picked up my chart. "Now, Isabella, I'm Dr. King, and I'm going to ask you a few questions, okay?"

I nodded. What the hell is going on?

"Can you tell me what happened?"

I tried to think—hard. But nothing came. It was like there was this fog in my mind and I just couldn't see through it.

"The last thing I remember was getting on the plane for Forks." Then it hit me. "Oh My God the plane crashed, didn't it? Am I okay? Where are we? What about those other people? Oh My God!"

"Shshh, Isabella, calm down. It's okay. There wasn't a plane crash. And apart from some stitches above your eye and a mild concussion, you're absolutely fine." Dr. King was patting my leg, trying to comfort me. Something still wasn't right.

"What happened? I want to know."

My mother gripped my hand a little tighter and the Doctor sighed, "Bella you went cliff diving about five days ago, now. You got pulled into the undertow, and you almost drowned. You were saved by someone; someone you knew in Forks. Edward Cullen."

"How could I have gone cliff diving? I hate heights. And how could I know anyone there? I never even made it to Forks."

"Bella, you're in Forks now." My mother was staring at me wide-eyed, as though I had just sprouted another head. I looked around the room, and sure enough it was unfamiliar. I had become well acquainted with every room in every hospital in Phoenix. This was not one of them.

Crap.

"When Edward got to you, Isabella, you were unconscious. He had you here very quickly, though. If it hadn't been for his quick thinking, we might not be having this conversation."

Dr. King smiled sadly at me, and I almost felt bad for him. Almost.

"What was the name of the man who saved me?"

"Uh, Edward Cullen."

"Edward."

The name felt unfamiliar on my lips, and as soon as I said it, a very pale bronze haired man appeared in the doorway.

"Bella? Oh, Bella, Thank God you're awake."

My eyes widened in shock. How did he know my name? Why did he even care? What the hell was happening to me? I looked over to my mother. She looked quickly from me, to the man, to the Doctor, then back to me.

"Bella, don't you know who that is?"

I looked at her blankly.

"Honey, that's Edward. Don't you remember him?"

She looked at me, clearly puzzled, and I shifted my gaze back to the pale man. He was watching me anxiously with soft butterscotch colored eyes, his body tensed waiting for me to speak.

"No. I don't know who that is."


	2. Revelation

_A/N: Hey! So my Edward and Canon Edward had a fight in my head… hopefully canon won. Let me know =]_

_And I don't own this or the last one; still Stephenie Meyer_

**EPOV**

"So let me try and understand this," Emmett said, rubbing his fingers to his temple, "She doesn't remember you _at all_?"

I shook my head, then buried it in my hands. I still couldn't believe that I'd let this happen. Bella was right there; right in front of me, but still so far away.

"Why didn't Alice see it, then? If she saw the jump, why not the…side effects?" Rosalie inquired, folding her arms defensively across her chest.

"She didn't decide to get amnesia, Rose!" Alice snapped. I knew she already felt badly that she hadn't seen this, and frankly none of this was her fault.

If I had been there, only minutes earlier, Bella wouldn't have jumped, and she would have remembered me.

But I suppose it just wasn't meant to be.

"There's still the situation with the Quileutes. Will there be a problem with the treaty?" Jasper asked, running his hands over Alice's shoulders to soothe her.

Carlisle shook his head, "No. I've spoken to Sam already; he agreed that Bella was in danger, and Edward meant no harm, but he didn't hesitate to add that the pack wouldn't be so lenient in the future."

He cast me a meaningful look, as though I didn't feel like a complete failure already. I sighed, and excused myself from the room, heading back up to my own.

It's very surreal to be in this place again; everything has changed, and yet it's all stayed the same.

I carefully opened my bedroom door, and had to gasp as Bella's sent hit me. I suppose she was in here more than I assumed. I held my breath as I began to remove the white sheets from my things, and it was as though as each one was pulled off, a new memory of Bella was unearthed.

It seemed as though I could never do the right thing when it came to my love.

I realized fairly quickly after I left her that afternoon that it would only be a matter of time before I would return and beg for her forgiveness, because nothing would ever mean anything unless she would be with me.

That's how I ended up on the floor in a ball in a favela outside of Rio.

You see, I may have been… in existence for 108 years, but I have never had to experience the excruciating pain that comes with being apart from one's true love. I've felt it in people's memories, even seen it happen before my very eyes, but not until that horrible day nearly six months ago did I ever truly understand what that could be like.

I reminded myself constantly that Bella had loved me. I say had because I assumed that her love for me was the same as any other adolescent infatuation. She always said that I could 'dazzle' her, and I took that to be what any typical teenager would say to their boyfriend.

I had also made the mistake of assuming that Bella was typical.

In fact, these last six months have proved she was anything but.

Cliff diving?

While I had no inclination as to her activities prior to that point, I wasn't sure I was too inclined to know. Certainly jumping off a cliff _for fun_ no less, counted as a reckless act. Perhaps Bella had broken her promise as a way to call me back to her?

That would be a bit dramatic, to say the least.

But she must have known that Alice would be watching her; and that an act as bold as that certainly would have caught Alice's attention.

I could still recall the moment I learned of Bella's decision. I had been wallowing in my hut, trying to lull myself into a slumber I knew could never come, when my door swung open with a loud thud. I hadn't fed in weeks, and I could hardly lift my head from the floor as I heard Emmett's booming voice call my name. I merely grunted in acknowledgement as I watched his feet come closer to my face.

"Edward, you need to come with me. Please. Alice had a vision. It's Bella."

At the sound of her name, I found the strength to lift my head and focus on my brother. I tried to read his mind to discover the gravity of the situation, but I was so weak that the thoughts I could pull out were faded and incomprehensible. He smiled sadly at me, and lifted my limp arm over his shoulder to hoist me up off the ground. He quickly, and I must say efficiently, got me out of South America, all the while filling me in on Alice's vision and taking the time to hunt.

Once I was properly fed and I could look into Emmett's mind and see for myself the violent reaction Alice had had, I found that nothing could keep me from getting to my Bella.

I ran faster than I ever had; faster than I thought I was capable of to reach that godforsaken cliff, only to watch the soft shock of brown hair tumble from the cliff.

I didn't hesitate to follow.

In a split second I was falling behind her, and I could only watch as her small frame broke into the water. As I hit the surface myself, I could only imagine the kind of pain she would be in once I got her out. I found that my eyes gravitated to her instantly, and to my surprise, she wasn't fighting against the current; indeed, it looked almost as though she was trying to envelope herself in it. I pushed myself harder to reach her, and when my cold, lifeless fingers finally touched her, my entire being rejoiced. It was a very selfish moment, but it also made my body react that much faster to pull Bella into me. Once I had her completely in my grasp, I launched us up toward the shoreline, all the while knowing what the consequence would be if I didn't move quickly enough.

She had already passed out and I worked quickly to get her to the boundary where I knew my family would be waiting. Even though I myself had two medical degrees, I wasn't sure I could work on Bella without letting my emotions get the better of me. I finally looked down to the angel in my arms and I couldn't help the sob that escaped my lips. She was so frighteningly pale, with the vilest blue tinge to her skin, and deep circles under her eyes, which I could only assume would be from sleep deprivation. She also felt lighter in my arms, and more fragile than before. What had happened to my Bella?

Thankfully, we arrived at the border almost at that instant and I laid her down on the blanket that Carlisle had put down and he began to work on her. I couldn't help the rush of emotions that ran through me as I watched the scene unfold. I wanted so badly to be able to cry and yell and scream, but I found myself to be rendered completely mute. I felt Alice's tiny arms wrap around me as she began to tell me what our cover story would be: I would call 911 and tell the hospital I had rescued Bella after I saw her cliff diving. She would be fine.

We couldn't have been more wrong if I had rescued the wrong girl.

After rushing Bella into the ER, I wasn't allowed to see her. The only reason that they let me stay at first was because Carlisle had once been Chief of Staff, and technically I was his son. Things only got worse once I saw Charlie.

"You." He said, coming toward me with a menacing glare in his eye and images of a broken and devastated Bella flashing through his mind, "Do you have any idea what you've done?"

I hung my head, for I was all too aware. "I'm only glad I was able to get there in time."

His mouth fell open with my words, and I could tell from his thoughts that he had finally put two and two together.

"Y-you, it was… you?"

I nodded slightly. I couldn't trust myself to speak. But then I heard Charlie's sharp intake of breath and he said, "Thank You."

I cannot even begin to describe how inadequate I felt in that moment. I did not deserve his thanks, nor did I deserve the reproachful thoughts now surfacing in his mind. While Charlie was (for the moment) mollified, it only served to remind me of the monster I truly was.

"I hope you'll stay, Edward." He said, resolutely, "I know Bella will want to thank you herself."

_Please, don't make me regret this, kid. _He added in his thoughts.

I smiled a little, as much as my cold, broken heart would allow and said "Thank you, Sir. I would very much like to."

And so I resumed my vigil.

It was only because I was pretending to be asleep that I was spared the wrath of Renee. Her thoughts vacillated between murder and having me locked away somewhere indefinitely. It was only through my minor détente with Charlie that I was permitted to stay. I could tell that Renee was annoyed that I was slightly forgiven, but she made sure I wasn't allowed into Bella's room during the night. It was probably for the best; she and I had spent enough time together at Bella's bedside.

At exactly 3:45 the next afternoon, Bella awoke.

Charlie had gone to the Cafeteria to get a meal, and Renee was the only one in Bella's room. I was listening intently until that idiot of a doctor began having the most repulsive thoughts about my Bella. She had almost _died_ for goodness sake! Was nothing sacred to this man?

Needless to say when I heard Bella call my name I assumed she was, in fact, calling me. I raced over to her room at an inhuman speed, not particularly caring who might have seen me.

"Bella? Oh, Bella, Thank God you're awake."

I couldn't stop the words from pouring out of my mouth if I had tried. But then I saw her eyes go wide with shock, and I knew something was wrong. Surely they had just explained to her that I had been the one to save her; she couldn't have been surprised to see me here. Then Renee caught my gaze for a split second before refocusing back to Bella.

"Bella, don't you know who that is?" She asked, a careful tone coloring her voice.

Bella didn't say anything, and I wished in vain that I could read her mind.

"Bella, don't you know who that is?" Renee asked again, also noting Bella's odd silence. At her mother's words Bella's perfect brown eyes shifted to me, and I couldn't help the searing pain that ripped through my chest as took in the generic look they gave me.

"No. I don't know who that is."

Had I not already been dead, those seven words would have killed me instantly. My Bella; my world, my life, my love, my destiny had no idea who I was. My first thoughts were that she had moved on; that this was her way of telling me that she no longer wanted me around. As painful as this would have been, I felt as though it would have been easier to accept. I already knew that I wouldn't be able to live without Bella again, so even if she had moved on (as I intended) I would have chosen to remain at a close proximity to her. Ii would watch her from a distance as she married, bore her husband's children and experienced all of the other things I would never have been able to give her. And then, when she drew her last breath, I would swiftly follow; just as I always intended.

These thoughts, though, were quickly nullified as the doctor explained that Bella could be suffering from Amnesia, as an effect of her concussion. She revealed that she didn't recall anything after boarding her plane and heading to Forks, nearly a year and a half ago.

The doctor continued to question her, but I had to excuse myself from the room. What would I do now? How could this possibly be? It felt as though my entire world had shifted, and I now existed in some kind of parallel universe. All I wanted was for it to be right again. I ran into Charlie on my way back down the hall, and I told him that Bella was awake, and that I was heading home; if she needed anything, they should call. He said that he understood, and I was mildly comforted at the concerned thoughts that he was having for me as he continued to his daughter's bedside.

For once, I took my time getting home, for I knew that I would have to face the myriad of questions that would be inevitable. And so it came to pass, as I drove up to our home, that I found my family to be even more devastated than even I could have fathomed. Worried thoughts were running through everyone's mind, all with varying degrees, and some tinged with guilt, others with ambivalence. I found them all in the dining room, and explained the situation in a hurry, and I found it was even more painful to recount it than to experience it.

The bottom line was that I had failed Bella once again, and now I found myself resorting to the same techniques I had used during my time in Rio and I curled up on the bathroom floor.

And once again, Emmett was the one to come looking for me.

"Hey."

I simply opened my eyes, and was immediately put out because he was blocking his thoughts from me. I didn't want to talk to anyone; what was the point of being a mind reader if those around you could block their thoughts.

Emmett must have realized what I was thinking because he started the chuckle.

"Are you really going to be doing this again? You know Esme won't let you starve."

I shrugged. She might once she realized what I had done.

He came over and sat at the edge of the bath, tapping my shoulder lightly.

"What are you going to do now? Are you going to leave again?"

Immediately, a searing pain ripped through my chest at the thought of leaving Bella. Even if she didn't remember me, I still had perfect memories of her.

"I-I can't. Not again. I wouldn't survive if I had to do it again."

"Well good. At least you decided to fight for her."

I lifted my head, questioningly. "What do you mean? I have no intention of forcing myself on her."

"So what? You're just going to sit idly by and hope that she at some point remembers you?"

"What else can I do?"

"Help her remember."

"It's not that simple."

"Please. It is so that simple and you know it, oh mighty one. Now would be a good time for your god complex to kick in."

I sat up and rolled my eyes at him. I do not have a god complex.

"Emmett, I will not force myself on her. Maybe it's better that she doesn't remember; she wouldn't remember the lies I told her, and then she really could have the happy normal life that I want for her."

"I think that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard."

"Excuse me?"

"Bella won't ever be the average human. Not in a hundred million years. She's abnormal, just like us, so deal with it. Even if she doesn't remember right away, she'll know that something's missing and once she does remember she'll be ripping you a new one for not telling her sooner."

He was right; she would be upset. But this was what I wanted, wasn't it? I had wanted it to be as though I had never existed; as if my presence had never tainted her perfect being. Why, then, did it feel so wrong?

Noting my silence, Emmett sighed and hung his head. "Why don't you just… start over? We could all go back to school and you could be her friend. Nothing has to come of it, and I guess it's a win-win for you. You get to be around her, but you don't have to tell her anything about your relationship."

I had to admit, it was a good plan. But would I be able to be in her presence and not _be _with her?

"Okay, Emmett, you win. It's better than any idea I've had."

I hadn't had any.

"Good. I'll go tell the rest of the gang." He stood up to leave, but paused at the door way.

"Hey, do you think we should get a dog?"

I raised an eyebrow.

"You know, because we have a 'gang'… it could be like Scooby Doo. But then we'd need a mystery machine, too."

He was seriously considering this. He had to follow up a fairly decent idea with… that.

Emmett was still considering his plan as he finally left me to my own thoughts, for which I was thankful. At least in my mind, I could still be with my Bella.

Sooner than I realized the sun had set, and I was immediately at a loss. Usually, I would have gone to Bella's to watch her sleep, but tonight I had a feeling it wouldn't be such a good idea. It would only frighten her, were she to wake up. However, I could hear the hushed voices of my family below, and I knew I couldn't stay here. They were all worried… too worried and even Jasper's attempts to placate everyone were in vain.

I needed to leave; I needed to be completely on my own.

So I leapt from my window and ran.

I hadn't any particular destination, but once my legs stopped themselves I knew I was were I was supposed to be. In front of Bella's house, leaning against the tree that I once used to climb through her window. I could hear her heart beating, strong and I could tell that she was asleep in her bedroom. I let my attention drift, though, when I heard voices coming from the kitchen discussing me.

"It's not right, Charlie!" Renee was yelling. "She's only just started to get over him, you said! Nothing good would come from telling her!" _He's only after one thing, anyways._

I could tell from her defensive stance that she was not going to give in easily.

Charlie paced the floor slowly, rubbing his forehead in thought. "It isn't that simple. What if she remembers? Then what? She's going to resent us for not telling her."

"She wouldn't want to remember this!"

Charlie sighed, "She might. She might want to remember her first love. You didn't see them everyday like I did. It was love, Renee."

"And what about after? Do you think she'd want to remember that, too?"

Images of Bella screaming and wailing that she wouldn't leave raced through both of their minds and I had to brace myself against the tree. I couldn't believe that that I happened to my Bella; that I had let that happen.

"Yes, I do. And I think that that's their issue."

"You won't let her take him back!"

"She's eighteen years old; I can't make her do anything."

"Charles Swan you cannot honestly tell me that you would take someone back after having said those things to you."

Charlie looked into Renee's eyes, then cast them to the floor. _If you had come back, I would have taken you, _he thought.

"Regardless, it's not our decision. Let her rest, and we'll see if she remembers. Take it one day at a time."

I heard Renee scoff and start to go at it again, but I tuned them out. I couldn't listen to it anymore. I wasn't sure if it was the stress from the day or the fact that I couldn't escape my flaws no matter what, but I decided to climb into Bella's room. Her parents had left the window open, so it was and easy task. I landed in the middle of the room with a light thud, and was relieved to find that little had changed during my absence. Same books strew here and there, clothes thrown over her chair and in corners, and of course, my Bella sleeping soundly. I took my usual post in her rocking chair, and found myself slowly coming back together; just being in her presence made me feel at peace once more. What a fool I had been to think I could have lived without her. I began to think that maybe I could do this. I could become her friend, and that way I would have my Bella, but she would be able to experience the human life I wanted for her, assuming she still didn't have any recollection of me. But as I continued to watch her sleep, she began to talk. At first it was only random bits and pieces, but soon enough her brown began to furrow and she was saying, "No. No. Please no. Please, Please no."

I watched helplessly as the tears began to fall from her closed eyes, and before I knew what I was doing, I was at her bedside, wiping the tears from her cheeks. I heard her gasp ever so slightly and I quickly retracted my hand. But then I saw the corners of her mouth turn up ever so slightly as she whispered, "Edward…"


	3. Those Eyes

_A/N: Hey guys… I know this is really short and you guys have been waiting super patiently. Those Eyes is just taking up a ton of time right now, and then on top of my actual life… Windows took a back seat. The next one should be longer, but just keep in mid that this one's not going to be nearly as long as TE; six or seven chapters at the most. Enjoy this one, and leave me some love!!_

_And yeah. I don't own… meyer does_

Chapter 3

**BPOV**

I pulled my beat up truck into the lot at school, and saw every pair of eyes trained on me. I kept trying to tell myself that it would all be okay; that I could make it through this.

But as soon as I slammed my door shut, I knew that was a ton of shit.

Everyone in the lot was standing around in the cold drizzle, staring at me. C'mon now; can't you just pretend I'm invisible like any other new kid?

Oh, wait; I'm not new. I've been here for almost a year and a half.

Then why does it feel like I'm an outsider?

I looked from face to face, but I didn't recognize anyone; just the pale guy who saved me, apparently.

He had one hand up against his car that he was resting his weight on, and like every one else he was watching me. His soft, tawny eyes were completely mesmerizing and drawing me in. He wasn't really moving, I noticed; just standing, almost like a statue. Hell, I don't think he even blinked.

"Hey, Bella!" I heard a soft voice call, and I tore my eyes from…um, him, and I saw a very unassuming, but still friendly looking girl walking toward me.

"Bella, it's so good to see you, but you probably don't remember me, right?" She asked with understanding eyes.

"I'm sorry. I really don't."

"It's okay. I'm Angela. We were—are—friends. I mean, if you still want to be. You don't have to be my friend, I don't want you to feel pressured into anything, and I'd totally understand if—"

I shook my head, "No, Angela, it's fine. Really. I need to have at least one friend, right?"

I laughed a little as her face relaxed, and she pulled my arm so that we could head into school. On the way, we walked right past that guy, and a bunch of equally pretty people.

I was trying to work up the courage to ask Angela about them, when I heard her scoff.

"What?" I asked, truly curious.

"The Cullens. I didn't think they'd actually—" Her eyes went wide as she halted her sentence.

"What? Who are the Cullens?"

She tilted her head behind us, nodding to the group we'd just left. "Those are the Cullens. You don't remember them either?"

I shook my head, "No. Well, I guess one of them saved me, but I can't really remember his name."

She smiled, knowingly, "That was Edward." But as she looked at me, her face suddenly fell, "But you… you don't remember him, either?"

"No." I said, looking back at him. He was still watching me. "Should I?"

She wrapped an arm around my shoulders, and squeezed, "You probably wouldn't want to."

Okay, what was that supposed to mean?

And what is this kid's deal? What's with the staring contest he's having with my back? I spent the minutes trying to piece together this stupid puzzle in my brain. It felt like I knew what she was talking about, but I could get to those memories; they were hidden behind a dense fog, and it was very… frustrating.

More than anything, images of _him_ wandered into my mind with an alarming frequency. His eyes, his jaw and his lips. Oh God, his lips. I just wanted to—no.

No.

No.

I hardly knew him, I couldn't want those things.

Or Could I?

NO!

But something, and I wasn't quite sure what, was drawing me to him.

…And apparently, it drew him right into my classroom.

He hesitated in the doorway for a minute, his prefect eyes trained on me. They looked so… sad. How could anyone so perfect be so sad?

He walked through the doorway and took the seat next to mine. I took a deep breath and inhaled his scent. It was the perfect mix of sweet from whatever kind of soap he uses and outside. It was amazing. I let my eyes drift closed to see if I could remember something.

"Bella?" I heard his velvety voice call, "Are you alright?"

My eyes snapped open, and I noticed him watching me warily. He looked worried; genuinely worried for me. I didn't know what to make of it. It couldn't be only because he'd saved me, could it?

"Y-yeah… I'm fine. I just… I'm a little dizzy."

His hand reached out to my arm, but retracted once he realized what he was doing, and instead he leaned over so that only I could hear what he was saying.

"Do you want to leave? I could take you to the nurse… or home."

My eyes went wide, "I hardly know you!"

A jolt of pain shot through his eyes and his face crumpled ever so slightly, but then turn calm and resolute.

"Of course. I'm sorry I've over stepped my bounds."

I went to apologize; I had no idea what had made him hurt so much, but I instantly felt bad about it. He didn't deserve to suffer just because I couldn't remember him. But, a guy like him would never even look at a girl like me, so what was with all the concern?

Something was definitely up with this kid.

But as my mouth opened, the teacher (you know, that guy) opened the door to the classroom… right into a weird looking blonde kid and cracking his nose. The boy hollered in pain, and there was an immediate crowd around him. I smelled the blood almost instantly, and I tried to hold my breath to keep from passing out. Then the room started to spin.

"Bella, really, are you okay?" He asked again, and I noticed his eyes had turned into a deep coffee… but, wait; weren't they golden a moment ago?

"Could you please?" I heard myself saying, and before I could even register what was happening, I was being lifted into his arms and he took us both quickly from the class room. I let my arms wrap around his neck as he glided down the hall, and I closed my eyes. It all seemed sort of familiar.

But at the same time, it was all… black. Not even a hint of grey.

"Where are we going?" I found the courage to ask. Not that I cared; I was being held by a gorgeous boy; what more could I want?

Oh, yeah. A memory would be nice.

"I could take you to the nurse? Or perhaps you want to go home and rest?"

"Neither."

"Bella?"

"Neither. Can't you take me somewhere else?"

"I don't know if that's such a good idea." He said, and I realized that we'd made it outside, and I was sitting on the curb next to his car. His voice was tight as he stood next to me, his posture rigid. He was holding something back. Don't ask me how I could tell; I wasn't sure.

"Please?"

His eyes snapped shut and he pinched the bridge of his nose. Then he let out a deep breath and looked back down at me, with golden eyes once more.

"Where would you like to go?"

I smiled up at him, "Anywhere you'll take me."

He gave me a perfect crooked smile, but it didn't quite reach his eyes; it was still sad somehow. He reached out his hands to help me up, and when I took them, I gasped at how cold they were.

"Your skin…. It's like… ice."

He looked away from me… ashamed? "I-I'm sorry, Bella. It must be the weather."

He opened the passenger door to the car for me and I got in. "No, it's fine. I just wasn't expecting that."

He shut the door on me, and quicker than I thought was possible, he was beside me, turning the key in the ignition.

He started driving, and I couldn't help but notice the speedometer inching up and up. He was definitely breaking the speed limit. I clutched the arm rest. He let out a low chuckle, and I snapped my head over to him.

He looked at me, amused. "Some things never change."

"So… we've done this before? I mean, you've taken me places before?"

He nodded sadly, "Now and again."

"Were we friends?"

He let out a deep sigh. "You could say that."

"Do you want to change your answer?"

"Why don't you let me ask you a question?" He countered, a sly smile crossing his perfect lips.

"Okay."

"Why can't you say my name? You said it in the hospital…"

It was true; I had. But now… saying it just felt uncomfortable; like it held a certain weight that I wasn't aware of. Stupid amnesia.

"I don't know." I said, lamely. I just didn't want to deal with it. He simply nodded, not satisfied I could tell, but he didn't push it. That was kind of nice, right? So I went in with another question.

"Your eyes… there such a different shade. Did you get contacts."

He quirked an eyebrow, and smiled coyly, "No, why?"

"it's just… in the classroom back there, the color… they were almost black, and now they're back to kind of a glittery gold."

God, that's a girly way to describe them. He didn't seem offended, though. He laughed under his breath and rolled his perfect orbs.

"It's the florescence." He said.

Yeah…okay.

He must have noticed my skepticism, because he gave me another laugh as he pulled the car over to the side of the road.

"We're here." He said, getting out.

He was around the car in a flash, and helping me out. I tried to look around for something; anything familiar, but there was nothing. Just woods.

This should be fun.

"What are we doing here? Hiking?"

He laughed and shoved his hands into the pocket of his jeans. "No. There's some place that I'd like to show you."


	4. Clair de Lune

_A/N: Hey guys! So this one's kind of longer, but a lot of stuff happens, so I think you'll like it. Don't be suprised that things are moving quickly; it's a short story... I never intended it to be very long. Levae me some love =]_

_And I don't own this; I only wish..._

Chapter 4

**EPOV**

Bella looked at me skeptically, and her mouth came up in a tight pucker.

"I thought you said we were friends?"

I smiled at my Bella, "You could say that."

"Then why would you take me into the woods?"

The tone in her voice caught me off guard. Of course this was a terrible idea; she didn't remember me. She would think that I was only taking her up here to…

And she had every reason to.

I shifted uncomfortably and heaved an unnecessary sigh before looking back at her.

"I'm sorry Bella. Please forgive me. I'll just take you home or something I never should have brought you out here."

I went to move past her, back to the car, but Bella grabbed my arm.

"No. That's not what I meant. I just… I'm pretty clumsy. I'll probably fall a lot."

She smiled up at me, and I felt myself getting lost in the endless pools of her chocolate eyes.

"I'll catch you; don't worry."

"I know. I trust you."  
I smiled down at her and it almost felt like my frozen heart was beginning to melt. She held out her hand for me to take, and I hesitated slightly.

"What's wrong?" She asked, still holding out her hand.

I looked warily from her hand to her eyes, "My hands… they're…. they're going to be quite cold."

"If you don't take my hand, how will you keep me from falling?"

You can't argue with logic like that.

"Are you sure?"

She rolled her eyes at me, "Yeah."

I sighed and took her hand, tucking the rest of her arm in between my body and my elbow, and walking into the woods.

"Are we going far?" She asked, stumbling slightly.

"No, not at all. We should be there in a few moments, actually."

Bella was so busy trying not to fall that she didn't even notice that I was basically supporting all of her weight, and we were moving much faster than we should have been capable of. Or if she did notice, she didn't mention it.

I saw the light start to pour out from between the trees and I knew we were almost there. I could only hope that this was still a good idea. I slowed considerably and let my hand relax around hers as we headed into the meadow.

She gasped as she took in her surroundings.

"Oh my God, this is beautiful."

I just watched her as she stepped into the middle of the clearing and closed her eyes, taking a deep breath. She was still the most beautiful thing in my world; whether she remembered me or not.

She twirled around, then lifted her face up to the minimal sunlight and smiled.

"I miss Phoenix so much right now."

"mmmm?"

"The heat, the sun… I love the sun, did you know that?" I did. "I just wish that maybe they could turn the rain off every once in a while. It's no fun being cooped up all the time."

"I agree."

She moved to look at me now, peering at me quizzically.

"What?"

All of a sudden, her eyes went blank, and it was almost as though she was slipping away. I was at her side in an instant.

"Bella? Bella? What's wrong? Love, can you hear me?"

Her eyes snapped to mine, and went wide with shock.

"W-What did you just call me?"

I back up, confused. "Bella. You're Bella and I'm Ed-"

She held up a hand, fear in her eyes and said "No. After that."

I straightened up immediately when I realized my misstep.

"Love."

She recoiled and plopped down on the grass, "Did you call me that often?"

I drew a deep breath and whispered, "Yes."

"And that's something you felt for me?"

I looked at her now, and I felt my dead heart swell with passion for the fragile creature in front of me. I sank down across from her.

"Yes, truly I do."

"So we were in love? I loved you?"

I didn't know how to answer that. I had left Bella in order for her to have a normal human life; to live as though she had never known me. And now, here I had found myself in exactly the situation I desired, and I felt the need to beg her to come back to me. I found that I wasn't sitting across from my Bella; this was someone else.

She must have mistook my silence as guilt, because she put her warm little hand in mine.

"I've hurt you, haven't I?"

"No, Bella. If anything, it's I who's hurt you."

"How?"

Pain gripped me as I remembered leaving Bella in the woods. The look of anguish on her face, the desolate tone of her voice… No. I couldn't let her live through that again. I couldn't do that to her twice.

"Perhaps we should start with something a little less… upsetting."

She nodded, and tapped her fingers to her knee in concentration.

"You aren't like the other boys." She said it as a statement instead of a question, so I didn't respond. "You… there's something different about you."

"Yes."

I couldn't lie to her.

"Do you think you'll ever tell me what?"

I sighed, longingly. "No, probably not."

"Hmm."

"But when we were… together; I knew then, right?"

I nodded.

"Then why won't you tell me now?"

"Because it's too… Bella, you don't have to know. You don't have to be involved in my word anymore."

Her eyes darted down to the grass. "But what if I want to?"

I laughed sadly, "Why would you possibly want to do that?"

"Because I feel like you and I are… maybe we're meant to be with each other. Maybe we're supposed to do… this with each other. Do you ever feel that way?"

Only every moment of every day since I first realized I was in love with her. I just didn't want to scare her away; I couldn't possibly tell her of our love, and risk her leaving.

So I sighed and said, "Bella, you are the most important thing in my world."

She pulled her bottom lip into her mouth and I wondered if this would be the moment that she ran. It would finally be the moment where she realized that I was not right for her; that it was dangerous for us to be together. But instead, exactly as my Bella would, she smiled and pressed her warm hand to my face.

"I'm sorry that I don't remember you."

I closed my eyes and leaned into her touch. "So am I."

We spent the next few hours talking to each other. She asked me about our first date, and how we met. I left out the part about the blood lust, of course as well as the fact that one our first date I had saved her from a group of rapists. These were memories she didn't need to have; memories I wished could stay buried in the recesses of her mind. Then she got to the events after her eighteenth birthday, and honestly I didn't know what to tell her.

"Bella, it's… complicated."

"Complicated how?"

I sighed, "Bella, I was trying to protect you from certain… aspects of my life, so I… went away for a while."

"But you came back?"

I smiled ruefully, "Yes. I did."

"Were you with me when I jumped?"

"No."

"Then how did you know where to find me?"

"I didn't."

She looked at me blankly.

I sighed and ran a hand through my hair, "Bella, I just knew where you'd be. I saw you jump so I went over after you."

"You could've been killed." She said, her eyes alight with horror.

I shrugged, "There are worse things."

She raised an eyebrow, "Like what?"

"_You_ could've been killed."

The familiar blush crept across her face and I smiled over at her. She was slowly becoming my Bella again, and I was grateful for it. I needed her; I had to be with her. I needed her to want me again.

I wanted my Bella.

Because, after all, what is the lion without the lamb?

After a while, I noticed her begin to shiver so I stood up, then helped her to her feet and wrapped my jacket around her.

I turned to walk back to the car, but when I heard her voice it was distant. She hadn't moved from her spot.

"Are we leaving?"

"Yes, Bella. You're cold."

She pouted a little, "No. I'm not."

I laughed at her antics, "Yes, you are. Look at the way you're shivering."

Her eyes narrowed, so I threw my head back and laughed, "Please, Bella? For me?"

"Fine."

She stomped toward me, holding out her hand, which I took and tucked back under my arm. I moved more slowly through the woods this time because I could tell she was hyper aware of what was happening around her. Soon enough, though, we were back at the car. I helped her into the passenger side and then quickly sped off toward her house.

"What about my truck?" She asked, her voice slightly amused.

"Alice will bring it back. Don't worry."

She got very silent then, and I looked over to her and I instantly got nervous. She had that same glazed look in her eye as before.

"Bella? Are you alright?"

She snapped out of it a bit, but stared blankly at me. "Are we at my house yet?"

I inhaled sharply. I was thoroughly confused. One moment, she wanted to know about our love and the next she seemed… repulsed.

It's very frustrating.

"Yes, Bella. We're here."

I pulled into her drive way, and she bolted out of the car quickly, without another word.

It seemed as though I had lost my Bella for good this time.

**BPOV**

Alice.

I could remember Alice. Short, inky black hair and a bubbly personality. She was funny and creative, and she was my friend. I remember her being my friend. The only other flashback I'd had was in the meadow this afternoon, but it wasn't nearly as clear as this one. At that point, I only had bits and pieces of memories; just flashes of light and color, but nothing concrete. But as soon as I heard Alice's name, she came flooding back to me.

But why couldn't I remember _him?_

I let myself into my house and found a note from Charlie just inside the door.

_Working a late shift._

_Call if you need anything._

_-Dad_

I threw the note on the ground just as a huge crash of thunder rolled trough the house. There goes the power.

I groaned and heaved my body up the stairs. That was when I was still in _his_ coat. I tossed it off my shoulders. Suddenly I couldn't get far enough away from him. It felt like all of a sudden what we used to be was… a burden. I couldn't handle it. I just wanted to be me, again. I wanted to remember who I was.

And maybe remembering Alice was a glimmer of hope.

I traipsed into my room, and as I crossed the floor over to my dresser I tripped over a one of the floor boards. I looked back, and the board was peeled back ever so slightly. I crouched down over it and carefully pulled it away, letting out a gasp when I saw what was underneath.

First, an envelope with my name written neatly across the front, then two pictures, one of _him _and I, arm in arm, and one of just _him._ He looked so perfect in these two pictures, and it highlighted how inadequate I was. Why would he have even wasted time on me in the first place?

I discarded the two pictures beside me, and turned the envelope over in my hands. I didn't recognize the had writing on the front, and it was still sealed, so obviously I hadn't read it before. I carefully tore it open and pulled out the long letter written in beautiful, loopy script:

_My Dearest Isabella,_

_When I last saw you here, I was playing Clair de Lune. The melody breaks my heart because it makes me remember how much I love you. When you aren't there, it feels like I'm incomplete; as though I'm not functioning. The fractured scales, the rising emotion make me remember what it feels like to love you, and because of that, every time I hear the tune it feels as though my soul is splitting into a million pieces all across the universe in the hope that one tiny and insignificant piece could somehow find it's way to you and be complete again. I ache—physically ache—when I'm not with you. Sitting here now, listening to the music dip and bend through the crescendos is excruciating, and I feel like I might not make it through the song. I miss your eyes, I miss your touch but most of all, I miss the way I feel when you're looking at me; I miss feeling like I'm just as much a part of you as you are of me. _

_I'm mad at you for making me love you the way that I do, and I'm mad at you for making my heart hurt every time I hear your name or someone mentions you. Every moment we're apart feels like an eternity because those moments pull me that much closer to an endless abyss where you and I do not exist. Clair de Lune is my favorite; you know that. But it's tainted with your memory now, and whenever I play it and whenever I hear it I'll be thinking of you and only you._

_Being in love with you helped me to realize that I've never loved anyone the way I love you, and I never will again. I could spend the rest of my life trying to get back to you, but I will never and can never be whole without you. This, my love, is my unrequited devotion to you. You are my life, my heart, my soul; my only reason to continue breathing. You have to know that there is no point in wasting air to put breath into my lungs if I cannot count on someday seeing your face again. I don't ever intend to live without you, and therefore, I will not exist in a world where you do not exist. Your happiness in paramount to me, and I need for you to be whole, even if I am not. _

_You should be realizing about now the depth of my love for you and just how difficult it was for me to leave you. I will replay those moments in my mind for the rest of my life; forever haunted by the rage in your eyes, the tension in your jaw and the hatred in your voice. It broke my heart to see you that way, to see the obvious pain that I caused you. I cannot let myself wish that you could possibly love me in return, and that the pain I recognized could be because you needed me too. My life without you is barren and incomplete, and it will continue to be as long as I can't be with you, but I need for you to be safe and that is more important to me then my own happiness. As I've said, love: I cannot go on in a world where you do not exist. _

_I'm sitting here at the piano looking over the score and I can here Clair de Lune in my head, strumming thoughtfully and putting your face into my mind. I can see you smiling on the veranda; I can see us walking down the hallway, hand in hand. I can feel your fingers wrapped tightly around mine, our shoulders brushing up against each other. If I close my eyes, I can hear your voice whispering in my ear; it doesn't matter what you're saying, only that you're speaking to me. I can feel the heat of your breath on my cheek and I can feel myself slipping into the delusion that you could possibly love me at all, let alone as much as I love you. You have to know that I've only done this to protect you. It's kind of selfish actually, because by saving you, I'm also saving myself. If I had let anything happen to you by involving you in this stupidity I could never forgive myself. Therefore, love, the only way to never live without you is to live apart from you; to protect you from any harm._

_I wish it didn't have to be this way; I wish that I could be with you to touch you and hold you everyday for the rest of our lives, but that, my love, can never be because every moment I am near you puts you in danger—a fact that I can not resign myself to. My time is dwindling, and the song is almost over. When I hear those last few exquisite notes, my soul will once again shatter and it will feel as though I can't breathe. I'll feel lost and hopeless, dark and forlorn because I know that where I'm going you won't be. You are my life and my heart. My soul is yours. Yours is the face I see when I close my eyes, yours is the voice I hear in my head, and you are the one I trust above anyone else. _

_As it ends, darling, I can see the mistrust in your eyes and hear the resentment in your voice. It kills me—utterly and completely—to know that I've hurt you as I so clearly have. But now, as the dissonance fades, and I am left alone here I can think of no one but you and how much I love you. My love is complete, true and unyielding; know that, always. I love you, my darling; I love you._

_Edward_

Huge, gut wrenching sobs escaped my body as I read the words on the page, and all of a sudden my memories came crashing down around me: Edward and I in biology last year, in my bedroom at night, at prom, and lastly the day he left me. That moment in the woods made me sob harder as I frantically dove for the window. There was another crash of thunder, but I pushed it open anyways. I leaned out over the side, and yelled, hoping beyond hope that he would somehow hear me.

"EDWARD!!!!!!!"


	5. My Side, Your Side

_**A/N: Okay, so there's no excuse… it's been forever, I know. But**__**, this chap is the longest one yet… I even had to change the rating for it ;-)**_

_**Enjoy…**_

_**And yeah, I know, S Meyer owns… Stop reminding me!**_

* * *

_**  
**_

**Chapter 5**

**EPOV**

"Edward!!"

At first, I wasn't sure why she was yelling; I was only in the tree outside her window. But then I realized that she'd said it; she'd said my name. My cold heart leapt in my chest as I gasped and then in the blink of an eye I was in her bedroom.

The room was dark, save for the light from the hallway, and I quickly scanned for Bella. She had fallen away from the window and was crouching down near the bed with her arms wrapped tightly around her sides.

"Bella?" I managed to rasp. I wanted so badly to hear her say my name again.

She looked up at me slowly, and I waited. "Edward…"

It was barely a whisper, but I didn't need anything more. In a flash, I had her in my arms, and I was sobbing right along with her. She remembered me; she had to. She'd said my name and called out for me.

My Bella had come back to me.

I felt whole again; complete. It was almost as though she was mending me simply by being in my arms. I hadn't realized, until this very moment, quite how much I had missed the simple pleasures of being with Bella.

"Edward… Edward…" She whispered my name over and over and I pressed fervent kisses on any surface I could find. I couldn't hold back; I'd spent so long without my angel I needed to be with her--consequences be damned.

But then I remembered the reason we were in this mess; the reason she had lost her memory in the first place. I let out an unnecessary sigh and leaned my forehead gently against her shoulder as she clung to me, sobbing still.

"Bella… Bella, love? Let me see you."

I felt her take two deep breaths, her warm breath fanning over my cold skin then she pulled away. She stayed in my lap, but her hands never let go of my neck. I didn't want them to.

"Love, I… I'm so sorry—"

"Edward, don't," she breathed, her chest still rising with the rapid breaths she was taking. "It doesn't matter. I just… I wanted to… I needed to… please."

"Please what, love? Anything."

"Just stay with me. Don't go yet."

Don't go yet? Where was I expected to go? I was outside her window; perhaps back there? I brushed my fingers across her forehead and tucked her hair behind her ear. She tightened her grip around me and I found myself pressing her into my chest as much as I could without crushing her bones.

"Love?"

She pressed her lips hesitantly to the skin just below my jaw, and I felt her release a shaky breath against my neck, "What?"

"Where am I going?"

She sniffled and repositioned herself so that she was out of my lap, and instead seated across from me, her knees brushing against mine. She looked at me with darkened, sad brown eyes, and I found myself confused. "I don't know. Why are you asking me?"

I cocked my head to the side, trying to figure out exactly what she meant. "Bella, I--" My eyes flicked quickly to the curled up piece of paper beside her, and the discarded floor board. She'd found it. How was I to explain myself now? I returned my gaze to hers and she was peering warily at me.

"I won't let you take them from me."

Now I was definitely lost, "What?"

"You can't take my memories and the only proof that I... that we... I won't let you."

"Bella, I don't understand."

"Don't make me feel stupid, Edward. I don't know if I can make it easy for you this time."

"This time? Bella, this time for what? What are you saying?"

My eyes searched hers and for once they were just as impassive as her mind. Then I looked from her to the letter and photographs and something inside me clicked. "Bella... do you think I intend to leave you again?"

Her eyes narrowed at me, and she crossed her arms across her chest defensively, "Don't you?" What she was saying was incomprehensible to me. "Edward I remember it all. _Everything._"

The was a crash of thunder in the distance, and another burst of lighting swept through the sky. "I... was prepared for that."

"And that's all you can say?"

"Bella, I..." I was at a loss now, I didn't know what to say to her to make her see how I felt or what I intended to do. "Bella, I _saved _you."

She raised and eye brow at me and stood before hopping onto the bed with her legs folded underneath her. "Yeah, and that makes up for it."

I stood up and paced back and forth. I thought it would. I only assumed that saving someone's life would prove that you loved them. Obviously I was mistaken.

"What if..." Her voice was loud with the emergence of a new thought, so I turned to her her eyes looking defiantly into mine. "What if I didn't want to be saved?"

My entire being twisted up at the thought of Bella succumbing to death. Had I not been there, that is surely what would have happened... and perhaps what she had intended? I was angry now, and in a flash I had both of my arms on either side of her body, my face mere centimeters from hers. "Do you mean to tell me, Isabella, that you _meant_ to... harm yourself in jumping off that cliff?"

"So what if I did?"

I shrunk back quickly, looking at her in disbelief. "You... you can't mean that."

She was unyielding, "Why not?"

"Do you... did you not read that?" I asked, gesturing to the letter.

She softened slightly, and focused on the floor. "I did."

"And?" I pushed.

"And I think you meant for someone else to find it."

"Isabella, I--"

"NO!" She shouted, bouncing up slightly on the bed. "No, Edward, don't! I've been without my memories for a while now, and not once, not even once did you come to me and apologize, even if you didn't want me, you could've at least done that!"

"What about today? What about everything we've said? That meant nothing too, I suppose."

I thought I had her there, but unfortunately I was wrong. "Did you honestly think that that would make me remember _us?"_

She spat the last word at me with disdain and it made me cringe. "Bella, what more could I have told you? I practically said it--"

"But you didn't did you?" Then venom in her voice rivaled that within me.

I threw my hands up in the air in defeat. "Because I didn't want to upset you! Can you imagine how hard it would be to have me forcing myself and our relationship on you when you couldn't even _say my name? _What was I to do, Bella? Dump it all on you?"

"WELL I REMEMBER NOW!" She screamed, sitting up on her heels now, "I remember every last detail, Edward! So now what I want to fucking know is what the hell you're doing here."

She caught me off guard with that. "Surely, it's obvious."

"Apparently not to me, since I'm such a dumbfuck."

I sighed and ran a hand through my hair, "Would you please watch your language?"

"Why? Does it hurt your innocent ears? FUCK FUCK FUCK SHIT FUCKITY FUCK FUCK CUNT!"

She looked at me triumphantly but I was unamused. "Are you finished?"

"What if I'm not?"

"Then I'll come back some other time, when you're ready to discuss this."

I walked to the window as the thunder cracked again, but stopped as my fingers hit the sash. "Edward, wait."

"What?"

"I'm done."

I turned slowly and looked at her, "Will you listen to me, please?"

"I'll try."

I went over to her and sat on the edge of the bed as she watched me. There was so much to say, and I hadn't a clue where to begin. "How did we even get here?" I asked with a sad laugh, running my hands through my hair, as I recalled with vivid accuracy the kiss she'd placed under my jaw, and her asking me not to leave. How had _that_ turned into _this?_

"I can't even begin to tell you how hard it was to leave you that afternoon. I collapsed mere yards from you, and I could still hear your sobs. I've never felt more like a monster and less deserving of my remaining shreds of humanity than in that moment."

"I... I don't understand," she said softly.

I turned my head to look at her, a sad smiling tugging at my lips. "I'm a good liar, Bella. I have to be. But I never thought that you-- of all people-- would believe me. I assumed that you would've known better; that you would be able to remember that... that I love you."

"Loved." She said defiantly.

"Love, Bella. I love you. From the depths of my being and resonating through my heart and mind, there's only one thing that makes my existence worth something: My love for you. It's not something that we can merely wish away, darling, or forget and relegate to the recesses of one's mind because it's all encompassing and fervent. It wouldn't let me forget you.

"Every moment of everyday that I was away from you, I felt the fibers of my heart snapping and breaking, and it crushed me. I was only a shell when Emmett found me, and when he told me what... what you were about to do... God, Bella, I was terrified. Alice's vision... it was fuzzy, but violent, and I knew that I had to get to you. You needed me, and for the first time in a long time I felt as though I could be of some use to someone. Especially to you."

"But," She started, tugging at the ends of her hair. "You can't save me every single time something happens to me just so that you can feel like a super hero."

"What do you mean?"

She sighed, picking at the blanket in front of her. "I can't have you... running around, in and out of my life just because you want to feel important."

"But that isn't it at all," I began, curling my fingers under her chin and tilting her face up to meet mine. "Weren't you listening before? I love you, Isabella. More than you can possibly comprehend." I laughed to myself for a moment, "Are you sure you read that letter?"

Her eyes were filling with tears again, and I felt her hand come up to wrap carefully around my wrist. "Yes. But--"

"But what?"

"Did you mean it?"

"Of course."

"Did you mean it when you left?"

"I--" Oh, she got me. "Yes."

"Then how can I even begin to believe you this time? How do I know you aren't lying now?"

"I don't think I understand."

"Edward, even if you... love me, you'll leave again. You said so, in there," she gestured to the paper on the floor, "And now, here you are, and we're in exactly the same position. I remember now, I know your secret, and I'm officially your ex-girlfriend. Nothing's changed since last september. What makes this time different?"

I moved my hand from her face as she pulled hers from my wrist. "Because I failed. Miserably. Love, I'm nothing without you."

"You got along before I was born."

"My life before you was... empty, and I knew nothing else. It was merely a case of not knowing what I was missing. But Bella, the moment I saw you... well, you complicated my life more than you could possibly imagine, but I loved every single moment of it. You make the world shine in beauty and color and light for me. But really, love, I'm not sure I thought out exactly how I'd be able to ignore the love I feel for you."

"What about... everything else?"

"Like what, love? What else could there possibly be?"

"She looked up at me and touched her finger to the tip of my nose, "Vampire."

"Bloodlust?"

She nodded.

I sighed, and ran a hand through my hair, "When you think that the one person you love above all others has... died. Bella, the feeling is literally indescribable. I can't even begin to imagine a way to covey just how much it would hurt to think of going to your... funeral; to think that I'd never hear your heartbeat again, nor smell the sweet scent of your--" I didn't even bother to finish my thought as I took her hand and pressed her wrist to my nose. "I can't live in a world where you don't exist, Love. And I refuse to."

She kept her eyes focused on me all through out this, but she looked resolute. "We have shit to sort through."

"Yes, Love."

"The Beginning?"

"Okay."

"Tell me why you left."

I shifted on the bed and turned to face her. "To protect you. From what I am, from what could happen to you as a result of being involved in my world."

"Where did you go?" I hesitated. "Edward?"

I looked into her eyes, and saw that she was drawing quick breaths. "Love? What is it?"

"Was there... was there... someone else?"

"Someone else? No, Bella, of course not."

"Then why won't you--"

"Because I was tracking."

"Tracking. Like what? A... deer?"

"No... another vampire."

"Who? Anyone I know?"

She was smirking at me, perhaps I was making some headway? "I was after... someone who's been less than... hospitable to my... family."

Bella's smile dropped and she looked at me plainly. "Who?"

"Victoria." I was a sucker for those brown eyes.

"_Edward!"_ She gasped. Her eyes were now frozen with horror and I could see her jaw moving an grinding her teeth. "How could you _do _ that?"

"Do what, Love? Protect you? Surely, I've explained--"

She held up a hand to cut off my thought. "You... promised not ever to do anything stupid."

"Pardon me?"

"Edward, chasing after a sadistic vampire who's out for us counts and EXTRA ULTRA STUPID! How could you do that to me?"

"How could I do that to _you_?" This reaction honestly wasn't making sense. "I'm not sure what I exactly did... in this instance."

"You put yourself in danger of... of--"

"What? Being killed?" I asked, letting a bit of the anger seep into my voice. "And what, pray tell, would you call jumping off of a cliff?!"

Her eyes shot down to her lap and she picked at her thumb and a softer rumble of thunder passed through the room. "You'll laugh at me if I tell you why I did that."

I relaxed a little, and dipped my head down to catch her eye. "Never. Tell me, love."

"When I do stupid things, I can hear your voice in my head."

I raised my eyebrow at her. Surely she was joking. "Bella..."

"No, really," She said lifting her eyes to mine. "It's true."

I pulled away, and looked out the window and into the soft rain coating it. "You jumped off a cliff... to hear my voice. But Bella, are you sure it wasn't just because I was there?"

"Well, I might have tried it out a few times. So then I knew."

"A few times?"

"Yeah."

"Care to elaborate?"

"Not really," she replied shifting her weight on the bed. We sat in silence for a little while, but then she tapped my shoulder so I turned to her. "Did you get in trouble for going to La Push?"

"No, Sam made an exception to the treaty because I--, wait. How did you know about that?"

She blushed but I caught her chin before she could look away. She sighed, "I've been spending time with someone from down there."

I quickly retracted my hand and felt incredibly small. Of course she'd found someone else; how could she not? It made sense, now. Her emotions before, her reaction, why she didn't want me touching her earlier. It all made sense. "Oh. Well, I... I'm happy for you."

"Why?" She asked, a questioning tone to her voice.

Oh, God, she was actually going to make me say it. It was one thing to pretend you don't mind that the love of your life is seeing someone else but it's completely another to have to explain it out loud. "I'm happy that you've found someone, is all."

"Oh, right. Well, Jake's been great." So nonchalant about breaking my heart. "Edward?" Her voice was quieter, "Are you okay?"

"Yes, I'm fine. I'm only thinking..." I stood up and turned away from her. Then something new occurred to me. "Bella, he's from the reservation?"

"Yeah."

"And he's your age?"

"Technically, he's closer to yours."

I turned around quickly to face her, "Isabella Marie Swan, have you been fraternizing with werewolves?"

She gasped a little bit, and her eyes went wide once more. "How did you--"

"Bella, I'm a vampire. What on earth would make you think that I _didn't_ know?"

She pushed back to the middle of the bed and shoved her hair off of her face. "I assumed because it's a secret you wouldn't know."

"Lov-- er, Bella, do you realize that young werewolves are even more dangerous than my kind?"

"I don't think so." She said quietly, pulling her knees up to her chest.

I was getting angry now. How could she not see the consequences of her actions? "Young werewolves are volatile and unpredictable. You could've been killed or maimed at the drop of a hat if you said the wrong thing and got your beau angry."

I was still stewing in my anger, when Bella's voice cut through my thoughts, "Wait, what did you call Jake?"

"Bella, it hardly makes a difference at a time like this wh--"

She laughed a little and smiled; a true smile, and even though I was throughly depressed to have lost my love, I couldn't help the stirring in my heart when I saw it. "Trust me, Edward. It makes a huge difference."

"Your beau, I think?"

She started laughing and I looked at her quizzically. "Edward... Jake and I aren't... I mean he isn't my... we're just... oh god... actually we're just f-" She cut off her last word with a huge roaring laugh that left me reeling.

Only one F-word sprang freely to mind.

I slumped down on the edge of the bed, and cradled my confused head in my hands. Serves me right though; she should be able to have that. And certainly, I couldn't have given it to her. She never asked me to. But would I have? Hell, I can't deny her anything. I was rubbing my eyes with the heels of my hands when I felt a light pressure on my back.

"Edward? What's wrong?" Bella's voice was soft and soothing, and for a moment I let myself think that she might still love me. It was a wonderful thought. "Really wh-- oh. OH! Edward, do you have a question for me?"

She really had the nerve to bait me with this. I couldn't believe her. It was one thing to move on, but another entirely to cause the other anguish. "Bella, it's none of my business."

"Oh, yes it is." She pulled away from me and I looked up at her. "Ask me. You want to know, so ask."

I blinked at her a few times. Surely she didn't mean this; such an invasion of privacy would be... completely selfish and so like me. Huh.

"Bella, have you, in the time since we've been apart, uh... taken the opportunity to--"

"Edward," she cut me off, quickly. "Edward, don't say something stupid to me like have you lain with him? Or have you given yourself to him."

I looked at her with my best Alice eyes on, "please?"

"No. You have to ask, and ask like a regular person."

"And how should I do that?"

"Did you fuck him?"

"Bella, I can't."

"Yah, you can" she scooted closer to me, "Grab a hold of your junk and act like a guy for once."

"Grab my what?"

"Your junk."

"Sorry, love, you'll have to rephrase."

She rolled her eyes at me, "Your balls, Edward. Grab your balls and ask me if I fucked him"

I shifted my eyes from my crotch to my hands then back up to her. A wicked idea crossed my mind. "You do it."

**BPOV**

Well, that completely caught me off guard.

I mean, I was only trying to get him to be a little bit more like himself, instead of wallowing in self pity but _that..._that I wasn't expecting. "Wh-what?"

He came across the bed and sat on his heels in front of me, cupping my face in his hands. "Isabella, I love you, and I want you to be mine. All of you. Every last millimeter needs to be mine again, so tell me love, have you slept him?"

I was getting lost in the swirling molten pools of his eyes, and I took in a deep breath as I carefully brought my hands to his chest, "No."

He sighed audibly, and his thumbs started stroking across my cheek bones. "Edward?"

"Hm?"

"I love you, too. There's no one else; there's never been anybody else, jus--" My runaway train of thought was broken off by his cold marble lips pressing instantly to mine. His hands moved down from my face to my waist and he pulled me into him. I wrapped my arms around his neck, and for the first time since I'd found that letter, I felt like those words were true. There were moments in there where I felt like he was just going to leave again, and I would be in exactly the same position I was in months ago. But, as his hands started roaming across my back, and I heard him moaning into my mouth it was easy to remember that he loved me; that he must still love me. That was the most perfect feeling in the entire world. I broke away to catch my breath and his forehead pressed against mine.

"I love you. I love you so much, and I hate that I haven't been able to tell you that for so long."

He kissed the tip of my nose and I laughed. "It's you're own fault, silly."

He sighed and squeezed me tighter, "I know."

"Edward?"

"Yes, Love?"

"Don't ever leave me."

He sighed and his head dropped to my shoulder where I felt his cool lips brush across my skin, "I can't."

"But... tell me you don't want to."

He laughed a little into my skin and kissed his way up my neck, "Bella, I _never_ wanted to. You have my heart; I'm incomplete without you."

I swooned internally, but thankfully at that moment, his lips arrived back at my own, and he was kissing me with a new intensity. I fisted my hands in his hair and tugged, just letting myself go in the feeling of his bronze locks. So soft, so perfect.

If he ever cut it, I'd have to kill him. Somehow.

"Edward," I mumbled into his mouth.

"Hm?"

"I... I..." Okay, how do you ask your wicked hot recently returned with a huge confession vampire boyfriend to sleep with you? Oh, duh. "Edward, I want you in me."

Not one of my most eloquent moments but, it got his attention. He pulled away from me with wide eyes and blinked. "Bella? Are you asking me to... You want to... you and me... and..."

Oh, God; I made him get flustered. I knew this was going to backfire. I groaned and dropped my head to my hands. I could be so stupid sometimes. Edward sighed and kissed my forehead.

"Bella, what I meant to say is... if we do this, you'll have to help me through it."

My eyes snapped up to meet his, and instead of the teasing glint I was expecting, it was as though they were pleading with me to understand. "O-okay."

He nodded once, and I pulled myself back into him. I was afraid that with what we had decided to do, he would go back to his hesitant self. But instead he was pressed forcefully against me, his hands moving across my back again, then dipping under my shirt and spreading across my skin.

He kept kissing me hungrily as his hand explored, first the skin on my stomach, then swept upwards ghosting over the cups of my bra. I groaned into his mouth and pulled away from him. His eyes were hooded with lust and he was panting heavily as I lifted my tee shirt over my head. I pulled my bottom lip into my mouth as I felt his eyes rake across all of the newly exposed skin.

"Bella... you're perfect." He said, his voice deep and husky. His eyes zoomed in on my pushed up cleavage and with one hand he undid the clasp of my bra as his mouth began to devour me. He started with tingly open mouth kisses on my chest, until his lips dipped a little lower and he pulled my nipple into his mouth. I gasped and arched my body into him, my fingers once again finding their way into his hair.

"Oh, Edward..."

"Bella Bella Bella Bella," he murmured into my skin, his tongue darting out and flicking my insanely hard nipple. "You have no idea just how long I've been thinking of this."

His hand came up to cup my other breast, which he kneaded a bit before rolling that nipple between his fingers. I tossed my head back, and moaned "Ungg, Edward...."

He laughed aganist my skin, and pressed kisses into my skin without breaking the rhythm of his hand. He broke away suddenly and I was left shocked, topless and panting. "Edward... what's wrong?"

He gulped down an unnecessary breath of air, and looked at me. "Bella, I... I think I can do this." He sounded in awe of himself. I rolled my eyes, and pounced on him, pushing him over.

"Good. Because I don't want you to stop." I knelt over him again and my hair fell like a curtain around us as I kissed him softly. "I love you. I want you."

His eyes closed slowly, and he hummed contentedly as I began kissing my way down his body. I lingered over the spot where his heart should have been beating, but left my hand over it for good measure. I got to the hem of his shirt and slowly started pushing up the soft cotton as I kissed my way back up his chest. He sat up slightly, helping me pull the shirt over his head then pulled me back down to crash his lips to mine. Even though I'd kissed Edward dozens of times, it had yet to go stale. And now, when I knew that he was in fact here, and that he was mine... my world couldn't have been anymore perfect. His hands moved from my arms to the waist of my jeans and I shivered as his fingers traced the edge. I pulled away, but he kept kissing any surface he could find: My cheek, my neck, my jaw... anywhere he found skin, he kissed. His fingers made quick work of the catch on my jeans and he pulled down the zipper as I did the same on his. He hooked his fingers in the band of my underwear just as I found my way to his. I looked up in his eyes tentatively. He looked confident and sure.

"Are you ready, love?" He asked, his voice as smooth as ever.

I nodded and started tugging at his jeans, and he just ripped mine off. His erection popped to life as soon as it was free and hit my stomach with a thump. Holy motherfucking hell he was huge, not that I had anything to compare him to, but still. I cocked my head to the side and looked at his solid cock. I was seriously doubting my abillity to fit _that_ in me.

"Bella?" My eyes snapped up to his and his eyes glimmered in amusement. "Love, it's not going to bite you."

"I know... I just... I didn't realize it'd be so... big."

He laughed, and lifted my hand to his lips and kissed my palm. "I love you."

Yeah, that made me feel so much better.

But then he sat up, cupped my face in his hands and kissed me softly. "I love you," he whispered, pressing his lips to one eye lid and then the other. "I love you."

Okay, that helped. He kissed my lips again, then looped my arms around his neck before lifting me slightly so that I was hovering above his cock. I could feel my self start to gush at just the mere proximity of his cock, and all of a sudden I was over come with the primal desire to have it in me. I started wiggling my hips, trying to get him to push me down and I felt his tip brush against my clit, and we both gasped at the sensation. I pulled my bottom lip into my mouth and he slowly started to push me down onto him. And honestly... it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I mean, yeah, it fucking burned and it felt like my insides were being spilt in two. But, as cliche as it sounds, I guess it was okay because (after all) it was Edward splitting me in two. He pulled me down onto him until I was seated in his lap. We stayed completely still as I let the burning subside and he started to tremble. That's right: I made Edward Cullen tremble.

"Bella..." My name escaped his lips in a strangled whisper. I knew he needed me to move, and I knew I wanted to move. I lifted my eyes tentatively and nodded slowly. He wrapped his arm around my waist, his breath coming out in ragged spurts as he began to guide my hips slowly over him. It still hurt a bit, but soon enough, the pain gave way to just... need. I needed Edward to keep going; to keep driving into me, and make me his. Fully and completely, I wanted to be his.

"Bella... Bella..." My name fell from his lips with every thrust, and that was about the only thing keeping me in the moment. His head dove down to connect with my collar bone, and I could feel his lips and tongue working the same spot over and over as he drilled into me harder and harder. I could feel him twitching inside of me, almost begging me to let him cum, but I just wasn't there... it wasn't going to happen.

"Edward... Edward... cum for me... Edward, please... cum for me."

He couldn't deny me anything. He pushed his hips to mine one last time and came inside of me. "Fuck... Bella..."

I ran my fingers through his hair as he came, and let him take his time coming back down. Soon enough though, he lifted his face so that I could see him. His eyes were a deep mocha, but he was there. I knew he was there. Then that perfectly crooked smile spread across his face. "You're still alive."

I laughed a little and rolled my eyes. "Of course. I told you you could handle it."

He nodded, then leaned in to kiss me. "You have no idea how happy I am that you were right." His lips lingered over mine as he added, "But I'm finding, more and more frequently, that you are usually right. I have no idea why I'd ever doubt you again."

I sighed and kissed the tip of his nose. "Then don't"

His forehead found mine and we sat like that for what felt like ages. This was it. This was us. And somehow, I knew that we'd be okay.


End file.
